Walt Whitman

Was watching this DVD the other day: L.I.E. (long island expressway)

about this 15 yr old boy whose mum died and dad is getting arrested by the F.B.I. and he's getting gay vibes from his best friend and is robbing houses with him but one of the owners catches him n who turns out to be this extremely cultured ex-spy who is also gay and likes to have young boys. (!!!)

all in all, kinda screwed up. And I'm not sure if the title L.I.E. is trying to say anything but I don't think any of it is a lie. In fact, it's a pretty honest film. I guess the expressway just played a major role in the movie.

but there's some nice poetry in there, cos this 15 yr old likes poetry and writes some too. Once, in the car with the ex-spy, he quotes this excerpt frm Walt Whitman:

Demon or bird! (said the boy's soul,)
Is it indeed toward your mate you sing? or is it really to me?
For I, that was a child, my tongue's use sleeping, now I have heard you,
Now in a moment I know what I am for, I awake,
And already a thousand singers, a thousand songs, clearer, louder and more sorrowful than yours,
A thousand warbling echoes have started to life within me, never to die.

O you singer solitary, singing by yourself, projecting me,
O solitary me listening, never more shall I cease perpetuating you,
Never more shall I escape, never more the reverberations,
Never more the cries of unsatisfied love be absent from me,
Never again leave me to be the peaceful child I was before what there in the night,
By the sea under the yellow and sagging moon,
The messenger there arous'd, the fire, the sweet hell within,
The unknown want, the destiny of me.

Walt Whitman wrote this about a pivotal experience in his life, that of watching a mockingbird singing futilely for its mate (who had disappeared, probably died). And this episode apparently further pushed him along the path to becoming a poet.

I checked out other stuff by Whitman, but they're all 'oh glory to america' kinda things. all about how wonderful the US states/ farmers toiling/ wheat/ liberty etc are. *grin*. it's interesting. He even writes this:


Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you,
that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear,

I have loved many women and men, but I love
none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb,

I should have made my way straight to you long ago,

I should have blabbed nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing but you.

I will leave all, and come and make the hymns of you;

None have understood you, but I understand you,

None have done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,

None but have found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,

None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent to subordinate you,

I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, god, beyond what waits intrin- sically in yourself.

*grin*.... first time I've seen a love poem to a poem....

The bell tolls.
It's five p.m.
On Christmas Eve's eve.

I'm heading home
Alone
Always, alone
As will forever be.


I think of her, her smile
A vision of beauty.
Her heart of yearning
Her soul, a spark
to kindle what could have been.

But I am
Alone.
Still, alone
And will forever be.

Joy to the World

Dear Ms. Teo:

Thank you for your email. I am sorry you found the handling of your claim unacceptable and appreciate the opportunity to review your claim.

After going over all the information submitted with your claim, we have decided to reverse our previous decision and issue payment for your claim. Our check will arrive shortly.

We also appreciate this opportunity to make amends and thank you for choosing United for your travels.

Sincerely,
Becky Baran
Baggage Claim Representative
United Airlines

________________________________

From:
Sent: Tue 12/13/2005 11:48 PM
To: Baran, Rebecca [HDQLZ]
Subject: lost baggage, ticket number 1601138055258



Dear Ms Baran,

I have just received your nice letter, denying liability for my lost
baggage. The reason stated in your letter is that I did not report my loss
within 24 hours of my claim. Let me explain to you the exact circumstances:
I DID report my loss, immediately when I arrived at SFO on Aug 8. After 2
weeks of not hearing from United, I finally managed to get through to your
1800 baggage claim number (after being on hold for 1 hour). The nice lady on
the line told me that my claim was never filed. I then drove 30mins to SFO
to figure this out.

When I got to SFO with my claim ticket, the guy at the desk told me that
even though I had the ticket paperwork, somehow I wasn't in the computer
system. He hypothesized that this was because the claims clerk probably
forgot to press "ENTER", thus never filing my claim. He assured me that this
time, he will press 'ENTER' and my bag will be found.

After 3 days, I managed once again to get through to your 1800 number. The
nice lady on the line very nicely told me that they again have no record of
my file. Seems like the nice man at SFO forgot to press 'ENTER', despite his
assurance to me. She then placed a priority trace on my bag. When I called
again later that evening, I was very relieved to hear that you guys FINALLY
have me on file. Unfortunately, my bag was still missing.

It took United another MONTH to contact me regarding my claim, and another
TWO MONTHS to mail me my claims form. And this was only after many phone
calls and multiple, multiple emails, all expressing my UTMOST DISAPPOINTMENT
with United.

And now, I've received your letter to say that I was LATE to file my claim
and that due to MY negligence, you are denying liability for my claim.

I humbly beg you to reconsider. The inefficiencies of your staff has caused
me much emotional distress, not to mention the financial losses I have
suffered due to my need to buy new clothes, books, luggage etc to replace
the missing ones. Please help me restore some measure of faith in United
Airlines.

I look forward to your favorable reply soon. If you are unable to help me,
please let me know how I can contact someone (your manager? vice president?
MD? CEO?) who can.

Thank you.

It rains again!!

Oh Joy. It's gonna snow in Tahoe tmr! I'm going skiing again!

so boring in lab. got work but too xian to do. *moan* *groan*. Guess who I picked for the lab's secret santa gift exchange: the undergrad who's been stealing and contaminating all my tubes!! ARRGH! moral dilemma. Lisa thinks I shd get him a nice clean box of tubes. I think that's kinda mean..... I'm not that evil n vindictive, right? hm. I think i shd get him a dirty box of tubes instead. oh, oh. mebbe i shd get him a box of gloves, so that when he next steals my tubes, he won't contaminate the whole box.....

sigh. dun wanna go for lecture. but I shd, yar? will drag myself there now. *deep sigh*.... oh, the dreariness of my life..... =X

Altoids

I like the Altoids Tangerine Sours. they really taste like tangerines! not to be confused with tamarinds, which in my opinion is far less desireable.

Am TAing this quarter. my duties include

1) conducting section once a week (to go thru the lecture material n problem set)
2) grading problem sets, midterms n finals
3) making up 2 problem sets + answers
4) conducting a 'cellular n molecular techniques in immunology' seminar
5) office hours 1 hr/week

so far it's been ok. sometimes hectic. like now. just finished grading 120 copies of question 5 of the midterm, and setting this week's problem set. Am now trying to come up with the problem set answers. I realised that it's such a bitch of a problem set! Damn annoying questions, requires checking the notes n the textbook n some critical thinking. It seemed more fun when I was making up the questions..... =I..... got so bored I decided to blog again.

Oh, Lisa printed this black pepper crab recipe off some visit s'pore website! so we tried cooking today! **grin**.... first step: deep fry crabs in hot oil. sounds simple. heat up oil till hot. add crab pieces. big mistake man. the crab was fresh frm washing (ie. it still had water droplets on it), so the hot oil just started ERUPTING like crazy. Both of us jumped back like 12 feet. I was seriously worried that the oil will set something on fire and the whole kitchen will burn down (like Jason's kitchen last year).... fortunately it finally subsided to a quiet splutter, and our kitchen was safe again. Wah cor. stupid recipe. trying to kill us, man. never warn people... wait kena sued.... =X.... basket.

so that was drama #1. drama #2 was also during deep frying. after the first volcanic piece, all other pieces we first dried on paper towels. The next one was quieter. However, the crab legs Spasmed while frying! it's true! it was jerking about, all over the place, like it was still a live crab! we got kinda freaked out. **shudder** wonder why it did that?? expansion of the meat inside the legs?

but the rest of the cooking went well. And the crab turned out really authentic! (though slightly undercooked) we were very impressed. we should have filmed a home-video of the whole event. Such a monumental occasion. Our first black pepper crabs! of course, the real test is to wait till tmr, and see if everyone's stomach is still ok.

we're gonna try chilli crab next week. but this time got prima packet. no need to pound black peppercorns. and no more deep frying.

Do woop, do woop

am TA-ing this quarter! for the undergrad Immunology class...... need to think about how to keep people awake in class... also need to think about how to keep ME awake in class...... I'm thinking of buying a big bag of candy, and doing like a mini pop-quiz every section. people who answer get candy. but that's gonna be expensive..... hm. wonder if I can get the prof to sponsor....

it's a 2.15pm section some more.... sure fall asleep.... =(..........

am taking cantonese! yay! have already learnt useful stuff, like how to scold people, and to ask whether the girl u just met is pretty or not. hope to progress to how to order food (esp dim sum), and being able to understand the cantonese parts of Kung Fu Hustle.

i wanna stand with you on the mountain,
I wanna swim with you in the sea.
I wanna lay like this forever, until the sky falls down on me..........

**sigh**. dunno why, the song started playing in my head. like during that one Math lecture where Luz made me listen to it at least 9 times... I like the song, though. seems so carefree and school-less.... If only I could go now to the top of some mountain (a real one hor, not Bt Timah Hill), drink in the view, feel the sun and the wind, and just be Away From It All.

too bad. back to my messy little room.

eh, my 'voices of scholars' thinggy is up online! googled myself today and it was the first hit! *beam*.... they didn't edit it at all! though somehow my email address didn't come out. small disclaimer though, it's not entirely true, not all the time...... it's like, super positive and pro-research. I had to eat a lot of chocolate b4 I could write it..... =X..... see lah, Astar is making me fat.

TIRED

Jomo: 'cos I'm very tired.... =(..... hard to do anything when one is all wrapped up in tires.

bright point in life: Discovered how to put air into my car tires and read the tire pressure! *heh* how loser am I????????? there's this gauge that pops out of the air pump thinggy in the gas station! like one of those arcade games where u get this huge hammer to bash the little guy that pops out.

am finally starting to sell my warehouse stuff:

whiteboard $8
microwave $15
bike $50

space to walk around in my living room: Priceless.


watched the movie 'Kinsey' last night. on dvd. Liam Neeson plays Al Kinsey, US scientist in the 50s who went ard interviewing people about their sex lives. It's pretty warped. so Kinsey was brought up in this super conservative household/society. America apparently was in some kind of sexual black hole. eg. people thought that masturbation was not only sinful, but deadly. Kinsey, a zoologist, feels that sex is normal and biological. starts to interview people about their sex lives, realises that married, heterosexual sex is not the only 'normal' kind of sex. Premarital, extramarital, homosexual, animal etc sex is also prevalent. And hence also 'normal'. nothing wrong with them. just biology. That's fine, i guess. but he then goes on to have an affair with his male student. then he tells his wife. Wife is upset. He explains that it's natural. It's just sex. he continues the affair.etc.

dun wanna spoil everything for ppl who want to watch the movie, but let's just say that he and his students and spouses begin to engage in ALL SORTS of sex. in the end however, the orgy kinda breaks down. (surprise!) he realises that the relationship b/w Love and Sex is more complicated than he had thought.

no obvious definite conclusion in the end, except he seems to have reconciled his conflict with Love, Sex and his wife. how exactly, not sure.

I thought it was a very interesting movie. Not the usual hollywood love fest. thought-provoking, especially since I'm sort of a biologist(?). yes we are but animals etc. but then what of love? but there are examples of couples and affection in other animal species as well. and then how about morality? masturbation is normal, so prohibiting it is ridiculous? Extramarital sex is also prevalent but it's considered bad? double standards?

but i guess the difference there is that masturbation is a personal thing whereas when you have an affair you hurt the other person in the relationship? so when u hurt other people's feelings it's bad? so if your spouse doesn't care then it's ok?

hhhm. I dunno man. read a report that 25% of men unknowingly raise children that are not biologically theirs. wow. that's a lot. I guess that's American men, not worldwide men, though. wonder if it's the same figure worldwide? probably it's lower in those african societies where the men sew their wives' vaginas up....? but hey, if you tear it you can always just sew it up again, right?

*ouch*

The Soldier -- Rupert Brooke

If I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is for ever England. There shall be
In that rich earth a richer dust concealed;
A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware,
Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam,
A body of England's, breathing English air,
Washed by the rivers, blest by suns of home.

And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.

I like poems about death..... =P.... somehow Life never seems so sweet and precious until you're about to lose it.

I need to write a bio for A*Star, to put on their 'Voices of Scholars' webpage. HOW??? I don't wanna to write a gushing I-Love-Research-Thank-You-Astar report! But what can I write instead? I was thinking of a what-I-have-learnt kinda thing but that seems so arrogant and pompous. how? I dun think my usual self-deprecating humor will look good on the webpage.... they probably want some sort of confirmation that the S'porean tax money is grooming brilliant scientific minds.... but I'm not sure I have a brilliant scientific mind, nor am I quite sure how to give an impression that I possess such an asset. writing a 50 page report on the life habits of apple snails would have been so much easier. =X

crap.

Depressed.

sigh... so. update on my luggage fiasco:

personally drove up to SFO last night to try and resolve this issue. there they checked and looked at my lost luggage form etc. then the guy said, "Where did you file this claim?"

"Right here. at this very desk."

"Oh... because you're not the system at all. the claim was never filed. I'll have to file the claim for you now."

"Erm. Huh? What happened?"

"Well...." *shrug* "These things happen. Maybe the other person forgot to press 'Enter', so your info never got into our system. I'll file the claim now. Call us in 2-3 days."

"Call this 1800 number? It's really hard to get through. Last time it took me 1hr on hold."

"Yeah. we're really short-handed. Nothing we can do. Try calling very late at night."


WHAT THE F!@K!!!!!


I still have no contact lenses, and I WANT MY MAGGI INSTANT PORRIDGE.

*deep breathing exercises*

oh, the glorious experience of air travel.

Roald Dahl

From the New Yorker (July 11 & 18, 2005):

There is evidence that (Dahl) thought about childhood in a way that placed struggle and conflict at the center of things, much as psychoanalysis does. "I have very strong and almost profound views on how a child has to fight its way through life and grow up to the age of, let's say, twelve," Dahl told a BBC interviewer in 1988. "All their lives they're being disciplined. When you're born... you're an uncivilised creature. And... if you are going to become civilized and become a member of the community, you're going to have to be disciplined. Severly... And who does the disciplining? It is two people. It's the parents.... Although the child loves her mother and father, they are subconsciously the enemy. There's a fine line, I think, between loving your parents deeply and resenting them."

(Dahl's stories) inspire in children a sense that life "is not only a pleasure but an eccentric privilege." Dahl's critics fail to recognize that his stories don't merely indulge a child's fantasies-- they replenish them.

[the italics are my own]
------------------------------

*grin*.... it's always enlightening to have someone tell you why you like something.

Who is John Galt?

The hero of Ayn Rand's bk Atlas Shrugged. That book has cost me at least 6 hrs of time that could have been sleep. =X

I like it, but it's a bit too preachy. It's a philosophical treatise cleverly disguised as a work of fiction. Her characters go on and on in long tirades that span pages and pages. after a couple paragraphs into their speeches the characters (in my head) morph into Ayn Rand standing at a podium of some philosophical conference. I mean, Come ON. I get the point after a while. No need to take me for an idiot, and repeat urself another 25 times.

I dun wanna talk about the anti-communism theme of the book, 'cos after pages and pages of it, I've gotten pretty bored. but there were other issues that were interesting.

Frm the bk:


"Do you still need proof that I'm always waiting for you?" she asked, ... ...
"Why is it that most women would never admit that, but you do?"
"Because they're never sure that they ought to be wanted. I am."


"Are you saying," he asked slowly, "that I rose in your estimation when you found that I wanted you?"
"Of course."
"That's not the reaction of most people to being wanted."
"It isn't."
"Most people feel that they rise in their own eyes, if others want them."
"I feel that others live up to me, if they want me."


"Money is only a tool... It will give you the means for the satisfaction of your desires, but it will not provide you with desires... Money will not purchase happiness for the man who has no concept of what he wants: money will not give him a code of values, if he's evaded the knowledge of what to value, and it will not provide him with a purpose, if he's evaded the choice of what to seek."

[hhm. so true. like vacuum cleaners are just tools. You think that once you get one, life will be perfect. You dun realise that YOU have got to drive the damn thing around in order to get a nice clean carpet.]

tick tock

it's august! i feel my last days at home marching inexorably away. was at MP library Monday, and stumbled upon 'Fascist Rock' by Claire Tham in the S'pore section. had wandered over to that part of the library, not really expecting much, and was pleasantly surprised after reading the first page. Apparently, she was only 23 when 'Fascist Rock' was published. I was amazed at how everything her protagonists said found a resonanting chord within me. It's mostly about young Singaporeans contrained by the small-ness of everything on this island. you wanna blast urself into outer space but you force urself to conform to the ideal of good grades and (fairly) good behavior because it's the only way u're gonna get out.

sometimes i think that nothing i do will matter. no matter how well i do at stanford, i'm gonna end up in Biopolis, a dutiful and well-oiled cog in the singapore machinery. a statistic to be wielded by politicians in their never-ending need for self assurance.

but i really like being home! mebbe it's cos i'm on holiday?

am reading 'DUNE'. it's good! a classic.

there's a line in it that sez something like "you can only miss people, you can't miss a place." i dunno. I do sorta miss places, i think. i guess u can argue that places can trigger memories of people whom you miss... but not always, yar? like i've heard people dream wistfully of their bed at home, so comfortable n big n pillow-ed. surely there're no people associated with that? whatever lah. too technical.

random fact. reader's digest say that everyone dreams in colour. it's just that sometimes you dun remember the colour. or dun register it. my question is: how do they know that?????!?? can they look into ur mind when u dream??? how many subjects did they test to get this result?? it kinda scary that they can just state this morsel of knowledge with such confidence.

Home!?!

Am once again back in our sunny island, set in the sea. I've always wondered about that phrase in the song. obviously if you're an island, you'll be set in the sea, right? well... i guess there are islands in lakes too.

saw the national day parade rehersal yesterday. got corner grandstand seats, 3rd row. I actually didn't want to go. not because I'm an unpatriotic, anti-govt, cynical person (i'm fairly patriotic, i think). but because i think it's just some meaningless, garish affair to give the retired people in the CCs something to do and spend a lot of taxpayers' $$ in the meantime. less parade, more fireworks, i say. but hey, if it makes people happy... however, it was really cool yesterday when the mobile column of tanks, artilery, combat engineer vehicles etc. trundled by the grandstand. on board were soldiers in camo U, wearing camo face paint, pointing M16s at the crowd. very impressive when the barrel of this huge tank is bearing down on you. At the risk of sounding like some gushing, o-biang civilian: WAH! SO COOL! hey, if this is what they were willing to parade in public, think of all the other top-secret stuff they're NOT showing us! (i hope.) so. now I do see some point in going for NDP (ie. to gawk at the tanks), but i still dun understand why people would queue ovenight to get tickets.

The Chinese in America

Finally finished reading the Iris Chang book. hm. her overarching message is "We are Americans too".

I remember my freshman year at Hopkins. When I got back home ppl asked me whether it was hard to adapt to America. I told them it wasn't the Caucasians that I was surprised by. I've seen too many Hollywood movies not to be prepared for White America and its college life. The thing that shocked me most was that the ABCs were American, not Chinese. I guess I had expected that everyone who looked like me would think like me and talk like me, but I realised that it wasn't true at all.

but then again, i guess people in China might be surprised that I look Chinese but don't think nor talk like them either. And when I watch the Olympics or whatever, it never strikes me to support China more than I would any other team (apart frm S'pore). And I would definately root for S'pore over China. even though they clearly trash us in everything.

so yar. pretty ironic that ABCs and other Asian Americans have to fight to be recognised as American. up to now I still have trouble thinking of my chinese friends as American, or Canadian, or German, etc. In contrast, one never suspects that the African Americans harbor secret loyalties and will steal nuclear secrets for Africa.

I think the way to change this perception is definately via the mass media. ABCs are supremely underrepresented in Hollywood, broadway, TV, etc. they are really not being portrayed as normal Americans. if there's an Asian in the movie, it's almost always a role written specifically for an Asian. Like Harold in Harold and Kumar. or Jackie Chan. or Jet Li. and somehow the Asian characters are always superbly irritating. U usually end up hoping that in the next scene the Asian is gonna get hit by a bus, and the movie can move on. Why can't the normal, non-irritating guy/gal-next-door just happen to be Asian?

Goodbyes

tis the season for goodbyes, it seems. so many friends graduated this year, just sent wushu frens off to the airport (but will see them in 12 days!!), Kenneth n Peiyee are moving to NYC, will only see Cheryl for 3 days in S'pore.... sigh. I think Kenneth n Peiyee's move was the biggest surprise. Thought that they would be working in SF for the foreseeable future. i guess not, huh? n with Howesiang going home too.... no more mountains for me?

i think i'm getting old, man. making new frens every year is tiring. cannot seem to muster enthusiasm for next year.

on the bright side, Peiyee introduced me to the wild and wonderful world of food blogs. Apparently, there are all these online foodies that write about their restuarant, cooking, random eating, cookbook etc experiences, frm all over the world. quite cool. I very very briefly entertained the thought of blogging about food too (since I'm actually somewhat obsessed with it), but trashed the idea immediately. No one will want to read about my leftovers-freefood-failed instant noodles-mango gummy-cereal diet. it'll get boring Really Quickly. But I just want to make a quick tribute to the inventors of cereal and chocolate. You guys (or gals) ROCK. without these innovations, I would waste away into nothingness.

just read 'Ender's Game'. It's really cool!! Not that plausible though. but hey, that's why it's Science Fiction, yar? makes u think. can we really manipulate children like that? hhhmmmm.... *evil grin*...... now I know what kind of cult I need to form..... need to target genuis kids. then can rule the world.

my poor butt

Pulled some kind of butt muscle last friday. A fren was helping me with a side stretch, when I heard this 'RIP', felt something tearing, and then it became Much easier to stretch. OH HOLY SHIT. I have been hobbling ard for the past week, the first 2 days couldn't sleep, and I still can't really do much wushu. =(. on a brighter note, injuring my right leg is strengthening my left leg! so mebbe i'll have balanced legs after this.

Tonight I discovered injured butt-bliss. sitting on a tennis ball placed at a strategic position is better than 2 million OSIM massage chairs. better than chocolate. even better than durian gelato.

Am reading 'The Chinese in America' by Iris Chang (who wrote the Rape of Nanking, and killed herself after writing the Chinese in America). It's a pretty interesting read, about (DUH) the Chinese in America-- how they first came, their place in American society, later waves of immigration etc. So, interesting tidbit: when the Chinese first started marketing Chinatowns as tourist attractions, they played upon the then-sterotypical view of Chinatown as a hovel of Chinese gangsters, opium dens, secret underground societies etc. In reality, much of this was already cleaned up. So the tour guides hired people to enact gang fights, act as opium addicts etc, and also decorated basements to look like secret temples and opium dens. Just for the tourists.

hhm. so. potential tourism idea? we could have a "S'pore Heritage Museum". Like Tang Dynasty, but smaller. Hire actors to be coolies and samsui women, recreate an opium den (and charge the tourists to smoke) etc.

For free, tourists get to
1) carry loads balanced on bamboo poles
2) build an attap hut
3) learn how to play chatek
4) pound their own belachan
5) use an abacus
6) do the bamboo dance

For an extra fee, they can
1) smoke something from an opium pipe (give them some laughing gas? for yet more money, they can keep the pipe)
2) get their 8 characters read by a fortune teller
3) get a rickshaw (not trishaw) ride around the museum


The museum cafe will be like a pasar malaam. There shd also be wax figures of Raffles and Farquhar.


JOMO: YES!! I want to play warcraft!!! do u have it installed? and the frozen throne expansion pack? and patched to the latest version? then drop me an msn msg with ur (n Tommy's?) IP address and I'll see if I can hook us up.

Busy busy busy

AARGH! so busy in lab. am running 2 expts at once, and the lab is moving, and I had a coffee n doughnut this morning so my nerves are shot AND I'm having a sugar high.

am now trying to lower my breathing and heart rate so that I won't screw up my expts and lose my work. mebbe I should count sheep.

in 3 mins I have to load my gel, in 20mins I have to wash my cells and run them on the cytometer, in 80mins I have to blot the gel, and somehow in the meantime I have to find some lunch and eat it.

ok gotta go.

Fountainhead

My Sony DVD RW drive (DRU-530A) has stopped working!!!! AARGH. dunno what happened. it was fine b4. i tried uninstalling and restarting but it still doesn't work. When u put in a CD or DVD it whirrs for a while then stops. The screen that used to pop up and ask u what to do with the CD doesn't pop up anymore. Windows explorer doesn't show any files on the drive (like i have an empty disk), but doesn't tell u that the drive is empty. Device manager sez the device is working properly. When I try to burn a DVD it sez 'The device is not ready'. I tried using the 'Force ASPI' program but that didn't work either. HHOOOOWWWW??? *howl*..... I am using WinXP, have an AMD 64bit processor. I want to die.....

on a side note. Have just read 'The Fountainhead' by Ayn Rand. This book is evil. You have to fight every nerve in ur body and brain to stop reading it and go eat and take baths and whatever else normal ppl do. It really disturbed me too. All these things are churning ard in my head and I don't really wanna give away the whole plot. It's a book about power. Power over other people. and how to get it. Only I don't think everyone can be quite so easily manipulated? the book makes it sound so simple. I would like to think that people are not like that, or at least, that I'm not like that. But then I know that most times I just wanna be faceless within the crowd, and that the common opinion is useful because the best chinese restuarants usually have the most people eating inside. (This however, is not true of El Salvadorean restuarants in SF.)

I'm so glad I'm not a salesman. happy that I don't have to push products that people don't really want or need. that I don't have to cater to public opinion, not yet. when I push products, it's gonna be because they save lives. *sigh*...... how arrogant and moralistic is that? Such lofty aims when right now I still dunno if any of my expts are gonna work.

ok, fine. The Fountainhead is not actually a book about power. Ayn Rand used it to showcase her philosophy of the importance of the individual. but the part that most disturbed me was the power part.

The Dalai Lama is coming to Stanford in November. I wonder if he ever gets tired of life. It must be pretty irritating, needing to be reborn every couple decades. Especially when you're like, the most enlightened one we've got. does he think to himself: "Ok, this has GOT to be the last time. Surely I'll acheive enlightenment after THIS life."

i need sleep. I need to shower. I ME MY MINE. was thinking that this is a very self-centred blog. all about ME. but then, this is MY BLOG PAGE. so obviously it shd be about me, right? but is my universe so limited that all I can write about is myself? ugh. I think I'm just cranky because jomo has gone home to S'pore, my expts are once again NOT working, and I can't burn my DVDs.

Boston

Am back frm Boston. Exhausted. useful trip though. Stayed awake 50% of the time, of which only 20% was spent doodling, writing the alphabet, dreaming of eternal bliss etc. gained scientific knowledge, thought about what expts to do this month.

I'm becoming as paranoid as Joe. Was debating whether to record my newly-gained ideas here, but decided not to because
1) No one else is interested (even I'm not interested, sometimes)
2) what if some random person steals them and sets up MY biotech?

Boston is interesting. Nice city, beautiful parks, historic bldgs, houses look rustic in a quaint, good way. A lot of red brick, tall windows, black spire-like roofs. Not that many homeless people, either. Sure, they're there, but they won't stand on the roads and harass drivers like in Baltimore, and when u don't give them money they won't yell insults at u (like in B'more), and the ones I saw weren't lying in their corners reeking of alcohol and piss. Can anyone tell that I really hated Baltimore? But mebbe I was in posh downtown Boston and haven't really been to the sketchy areas yet. The outskirts are probably teeming with hobos. Can u also tell that I'm completely disillusioned about urban America? I swear it's the lack of sleep. I'm usually all bubbly and sunshine. plus I miss my xiao mei.

top 2 observations about Boston
1) Drivers are insane. Pedestrains are also insane. I forgot how much jaywalking is a part of East Coast life.
2) Dunkin Donuts is way more popular here than Krispy Kreme. In Boston, there're more DDs than Starbucks.

Weird Movies

have been watching a lot of weird movies lately.

Harold and Kumar-- 2 guys who crave White Castle burgers, and have a bizarre night getting there. Moral of the story: Big bags of weed look disturbingly fetching in pink cardigans.

Big Fish-- 1 guy traces the life of his father, the big fish. Moral of the story: People will still leave you even if you steal their shoes. They might come back later, though. Moral #2: Alcohol makes weird movies not so weird.

The Aviator-- Leonardo plays Howard Hughes, psychotic but brilliant visionary (Howard Hughes foundation still supports a lot of life science research today). Moral of the story: ummm... i dunno yet. still extremely freaked out by the whole psycho thing. just saw the movie tonight. he had the whole Lady Macbeth 'Out-damn-spot!' thing going on too. erm. if pressed, I would say that the moral is, er.... If you're completely cuckoo, intelligent and beautiful women are not gonna marry you.

also saw the movie 'Sideways'. Super boring. don't watch it. if u wanna drink wine come to SF and I'll bring u to Sonoma. free tastings, excellent Chardonnays.

G.Gate Bridge frm top of Angel Island. Little white fins in water are yatchs, not white sharks.

No Angels on Angel Island

Went to Angel Island on Saturday. It's near Alcatraz, on the bay. It's like the Ellis Island of SF-- all the immigrants go through there. It was also a quarantine facility.... (I wonder how long germs last out in the environment.... *rampant imaginings of TB, leprosy etc thriving in water droplets in the air, being breathed into my lungs*) Walked up to Mt Livermore on the island. It's taller than Bukit Timah! my philosophy here in the US is to only climb hills that are taller than Bt Timah. Gd view of the bay.

ok ok, got side tracked again. wanted to say that Angel Island reminded me of this documentary I saw about Mary Mallon (Typhoid Mary). Mary was a cook in NYC, and a healthy carrier of typhoid. The Health Dept traced several outbreaks to her and forcibly captured and quarantined her.

so the issue here is whether it's ok to lock up infectious people. Sick people mebbe. they shd be resting anyways. but healthy carriers? or just mildly sick people? i guess for typhoid it's not a super-big problem, becos transmission is usu only by ppl who prepare food (so if u're a cook u're screwed). but what about SARS or sth that can be spread thru' the air? wear mask? what if it's a virus? i think even masks are not effective then. who's the guy that talked about the greater good? Mill? something about it's good if produces greatest utility. I mean, to put it bluntly, she murdered 3 people and injured like, 50.

*sigh* I hate morality questions. I guess one thing is definately true: It sucked to be her. 'though I think i usually take the heartless kill-them-all side of the fence. pro-choice, pro-euthanasia, pro-death penalty etc. why? I dunno... mebbe cos when I was young my mum told me everyday about how she's gonna kill herself at 45 'cos she doesn't wanna get old n useless. But won't that make me cherish life instead? Or mebbe becos of that I've been psycho-ed to think that ppl that are old/useless/sick/dangerous shd all die. mebbe it's the biologist in me, the 'survival of the fittest' ideology. mebbe i'm just an evil b!#ch.

on a completely irrelevant note: when u're in a developing country, even the bottled water is not safe to drink. someone did a study and there's just as much bacteria in the bottles as there is in tap water. drink the carbonated water instead. The acid in there kills the bacteria. Moral of the story: in India, brush ur teeth with beer.

Epitaph

In 2000 I got this book of poems (published by the BBC!), and there was one I really liked. I got reminded of it today because a friend of a friend's grandma passed away. So I was thinking of this poem and how I want to have it on my tombstone. But I guess now no more tombstones in S'pore. On my urn then, i guess. or whatever they're using when I die. I couldn't remember the exact lines so I googled it and it's on like, a gazillion websites. So mebbe it's not so special, huh? but whatever. I still think it's good. ANyways.



Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

-Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932.

GONE CASE

Wah lau I'm really lousy. not even 2 days into my icecream fast and I have broken my vow of celibacy. but it's not Really My Fault (yar rite). my dorm organized FREE COLD STONE ice cream. how to resist i ask u? I got 'Banana Split Decision', a heavenly concoction of Banana ice cream, banana, strawberries n fudge. in a waffle cone. *extreme bliss*. only one notch below a warm Krispy Kreme doughnut + coffee. *heaven*

I have however renewed my vow to stay off ice cream for this week.

whoop! I'm going to Boston next week!!! but it's for a 4 day scientific conference =(. sometimes I think i'm in the wrong field. Reading immunology papers is the shortest road between me and the sandman. I'm convinced that i'm gonna spend 4 days in Boston asleep in various conference rooms. WHY can't people make their talks more interesting?

Immunity is actually pretty cool. Instead, people fill their talks with super-boring details of endless chains of protein phosphorylations and dark little gels and graphs Filled with super-confusing spots.... AARRRGH!!!! if I wasn't completely unconscious in 5 mins, i'll be gashing my teeth and pulling out my hair at the agony of it all. But the WORST part is that one day i'll be presenting my own little obscure graphs and pictures. I can feel it. I already have a file full of fuzzy black spots. They actually look quite interesting, but only AFTER u drink urself into oblivion. I guess if i ever give up science I have a back up job as psychologist, administering those ink blot tests.

A crab!! testing out my bloggerbot. Frm SY's farewell crabboil

Quarks

My adopted xiao mei asked me about quarks the other day. Since I was reading the Bill Bryson book (see post below), I have shamelessly plagerized his explanation. but we all know that as long as one references one's sources, it's not plagerism, just a good literature search.

Particle physics is an amazingly confusing field, where no one really knows what's going on, because the subatomic realm is governed by completely different rules than in the macro-scale. In secondary sch they bluff u that protons, neutrons and electrons are the smallest things there are, and apparently that's not true at all.

So. this is the currently accepted theory: Quarks are even smaller particles held together by other particles called gluons and together they form protons and neutrons. Leptons form electrons and neutrinos (neutrinos are v.v.v.v. tiny particles given off during nuclear fusion in the Sun). Quarks n leptons together are called fermions. Bosons are particles that produce and carry forces n include photons and gluons. There's another one called the Higg's boson, which may or may not exist; it was invented to endow particles with mass.

what all the above means, I haven't the faintest clue. Once physicists manage to build even larger particle accelerators, they will no doubt discover yet more 'fundamental' particles to confuse the rest of us and spend billions and billions of $$. They contend that this will help us understand the meaning of life.

I think my labmates are damn hilarious. Last year's secret santa gifts include: a shot-glass checkers set, a 'Man-pillow' (Pillow shaped like a man's torso, wearing a shirt, so man-less people can sleep with one), bottle of Jaegermister (PJ's favourite beverage), McDonald's vouchers.

There's also this guy in the lab that every unattached girl AND guy is madly in love with. He gets all these groupies that casually drop by the lab in the desperate hope of catching a glimpse of him. I think I shd start selling tickets. Watching him $10/hr; talking to him $20/hr... etc. we can split the profits. anyways, he owes me ice cream.

Speaking of which, I'm vowing to stay off ice cream for a week. just to see if I can. Shaowei says that his experience fasting brought him closer to God. I wonder if staying off ice cream will be equally spiritual. I guess it's not really that drastic. Staying off bubble tea will be much much harder. Erm. I'm not ready to take that step yet.

I'm reading 'a short history of nearly everything' by Bill Bryson. Wah cor. It's not short at all lah. super thick book. and still it doesn't explain everything. I'm just past the big bang and plate tectonics and life has begun. And now all I know is that it's kinda more complicated than I'd imagined. Just leaves me unsatisfied with his explanations. I need to know more. I think the biggest leap of faith is that at first there was nothing. Then there were all these things, which exploded (big bang). HUH!?! WTF!?!? I need to go sit by the ocean and stare at the sky n think about this. (heh. another excuse to slack off.)

high on caffeine

I can't believe it's raining. This morning I was just thinking about how great the weather has been and how I forgot my jacket but it's probably gonna be ok because there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

HHRMPH.

the weather is toying with my emotions. And now I might get a cold biking home in the damn rain and wind. ah well. getting sick is very slimming. good weight loss program. resisted the lab ice-cream trip this afternoon. very proud of myself.

am taking a Wilderness Medicine class. It's a great class. learn something useful in every class. like splash your face with the cold water a couple minutes before you think you're gonna capsize when you're kayaking out in the cold. gets u over the hyperventilation reflex when u fall in. also also, Leonardo Di Caprio dies while whats-her-face lives in the movie Titanic. because u lose heat 30times faster in water than in air. The class is taught by Eric Weiss. Check out his book for more wild and wondrous survival tips.

see? great stuff. also highly recommend the book "Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation". Excellent and essential natural history information. *grin*

15mins before I have to get up n stain my gel. whoop. EtBr is gonna get me skin cancer in 10yrs... but meanwhile, it's good stuff man.

I wanna go home.

warmed-up noses

SO. I attended this self-defence course the other day. One of the techniques recommended is to push your palm into ur attacker's nose. This will hopefully cause much pain and more imptantly, cause the eyes to tear (impairing sight). The instructor sez this is why boxers have to rub their noses to 'warm it up' before a match, so that when they get punched in the nose their eyes don't water as much. Is this true? sounds bizarre that u can actually warm up ur nose.

finally finished writing up my proposal with all the pretty pictures, have finished most of my hw for tmr, and most of my proposal ppt presentation. Man, I Hate Work. I wanna go eat Brazilian BBQ. apparently the waiters walk ard with HugE Skewers of MEAT, which they slice liberally unto ur plate.... sounds good. unfortunately my appetite seems to be shrinking lately. My rmmate made chicken rice for dinner tonight, I had 3... ok ok 4 pieces of chicken at 7pm. It's now 12.45am and I'm still stuffed. Had to check out the symptoms of stomach cancer for hw today and feeling full after eating v.little is one of the symptoms!! I'm doomed.....

Hawaiian Mangoes SUX

the title sez it all. Buy Philippino mangoes everytime. The Hawaiian kind is not as sweet, the dried stuff tastes like sulphur etc etc. But when one is trying to write up a thesis proposal, anything mildly edible is gonna be eaten... I have to get me some gum.....

However, I think I'm finally done with the first draft of my proposal. I can't bring myself to read through that disgusting piece of sh*t so I can proofread it. Basically you say the same thing 3 times. First in the abstract, u give a brief summary of why n what u wanna do. Next in the backgrd, u give more info on why it's important to do what you wanna do, and refresh everyone's memory on what the hell it is again. In prelim studies, u tell them what u already did. Finally in research design, u give step by step instructions on how ur next 4 yrs are gonna be like. After a while, u sound more and more like a broken record. At the end of the 20 pages, u're SO SICK of the entire project, u wanna quit and go be a monk in Tibet.

Very Important Question: when u buy water at Safeway, what's the diff between 1)'purified drinking water' and 2)'purified spring water'? Is #1 purified sewage water? or purified reservoir water? One would assume that #2 is from some spring some where. but where exactly? The Ganges?

bored.

I'm really bored. Nothing seems to be interesting anymore. Lab is boring, wushu is boring..... I'm being sucked into the pits of ennui.... dunno how to get out. I wanna go skiing but I have no money.... plus I'm too lazy to drive. sigh. How now, brown cow? Mebbe I shd start playing Warcraft 3 again. At least I can have something to look forward to each day. I feel like one of those floating people in Chagall's paintings... drifting along amidst different hues and colors, things swirling around. Mebbe if I dig myself a nice deep dark hole, and move in, I will miraculously discover the meaning of life.

anyways. talkingcock.com had a pretty funny article about 'if singapore were to host the olympics', and the modifications we'd have to the sports. I think the best one was the modification to weight lifting: from a kneeling position, athletes have to carry their bosses' private parts. *grin*. *sigh*... sometimes when I think about S'pore, I feel very sad.

NEW POST!!

heh heh. finally decided to post again.

have been rather busy. taking one class (am appalled that they are subjecting ME to the indignity of homework), have to write up my thesis proposal, expts never seem to work but have loads of stuff to do in lab anyways.... sigh. so I decided that the best course of action now is to procrastinate as much as possible. Hence this new post.

I dunno if I should do this whole psuedo-intelligent social commentary thing that has been the recurrent theme of most of my previous posts. Seems like all I'm doing is displaying my embarassing lack of knowledge and amazing arrogance. But perhaps this is the true me.... someone who pretends to know a lot about everything and spouts the most ridiculous nonsense.... But then again I dun wanna post about my daily activities (horribly boring), my current favorite song/ food/ computer game, my personality test results etc etc... so perhaps the social commentary thing is the way to go. lemme know yar?

So my topic du jour is... um.... can't think of one just yet. In the meantime....: Big news this week in lab! my mice gave birth!! Now I have little blind pink things crawling around the bottom of the cage!!! I oscillate wildly between thinking that they are disgusting larger-than-life worm-like creatures, to marvelling at the miracle of life etc/finding them the cutest things ever. The mother mouse doesn't seem to notice that they're there. She kinda walks all over them. I thought she's suppose to provide them with milk!?! They're definately not gonna be able to eat the normal mouse food... they can't even see for pete's sake. Anyone with mouse breeding experience pls let me know....

Um. can't sleep yet, still waiting for my hair to dry. I truly believe that hairdryers are evil and overdry hair, hence damaging my precious locks. Also, I'm super-lazy and hate the noise they make. Someone should invent a super-absorbant towel that instantly dries hair. That'll be awesome. Right now the best way to avoid this problem is to just not have hair.... only problem is that I'd look terrible with no hair. *shudder*

Last night I dreamt that Iwas floating. Just couldn't keep myself on the ground. Monica says that floating dreams mean that one is having a sexual fantasy. !?!?!?! I don't understand..... if you're having a sexual fantasy, won't you just have a sexual fantasy? I don't see how floating is sexually fantastic. It was actually a pretty scary dream. I had to be really careful, else I would just float up and up and up and get lost in space. It's actually a recurrent dream... I've had the same one a coupl'a times already. Any alternative interpretations? Am also taking a poll: When you dream, what colour are your dreams? Multi-colour? black/white? sepia?

Lemme know,
Pearline